This is a song I wrote while in the thick of posting the original run of AiG strips. I would say a bit about it, but I think it sings for itself. DISS-CLAIMER: I do not claim to be a musician or a singer. I do it because I like it. It’s not perfect, but hey, neither am I.
I have made a decision. I am relocating to Indianapolis. I will continue working and pursuing my education. I will be getting rid of a majority of my possessions; in order to live in a closet under the stairs of a house, which will be occupied by some of my favorite people that are beautiful musicians. This is only the means to an end. I will be saving diligently in order to prepare for my pilgrimage out of America.
I had an awful nightmare last night. All of the women that I love were entering or, in most cases, reentering destructive relationships. I woke up to discover that it was in fact not just a dream, but the subconscious mirroring reality. I find myself at times caring too much, caring to the point where it becomes destructive towards myself, and then allowing my loving and caring becoming anger and resentments, and then becoming apathetic. It’s a vicious pattern. I will break this pattern. I will care and love with reckless abandon and express frustration as it comes. I will not allow anger to be held onto until it becomes resentment. I will not become indifferent to the suffering around me! I will try.
These are the lyrics to my Top 3 favorite songs from Wicked.
GLINDA: (Spoken) Elphie, now that we’re friends, i’ve decided to make you my new project!
ELPHABA: (Spoken) you really don’t have to do that…
GALINDA: (Spoken) i know, that’s what makes me so nice!
(Sung) whenever i see someone less fortunate than i, and let’s face it, who isn’t less fortunate than i? my tender heart tends to start to bleed. and when someone needs a makeover, i simply have to take over! i know i know exactly what they need!
and even in your case, though it’s the toughest case i’ve yet to face, don’t worry, i’m determined to succeed! follow my lead, and yes indeed, you will be…
POPULAR! you’re gonna be popular! i’ll teach you the propper ploys, when you talk to boys, little ways to flirt and flounce, ooh! i’ll show you what shoes to wear! how to fix your hair! everthing that really counts to be…
POPULAR! i’ll help you be popular! you’ll hang with the right cohorts, you’ll be good at sports, know the slang you’ve got to know. so let’s start, ‘cause you’ve got an awfully long way to go!
don’t be offended by my frank analysis, think of it as personality dialysis, now that i’ve chosen to become a pal, a sister and advisor, there’s nobody wiser! not when it comes to…
POPULAR! i know about popular. and with an assist from me, to be who you’ll be, instead of dreary who you were…uh, are. there’s nothing that can stop you, from becoming popular… lar…
la la, la la! we’re gonna make you pop-u-lar!
when i see depressing creatures, with unprepossessing features, i remind them on their own behalf to - think - of celebrated heads of state, or specially great communicators! did they have brains or knowledge? don’t make me laugh!
they were POPULAR! please! it’s all about popular. it’s not about aptitude, it’s the way you’re viewed, so it’s very shrewd to be, very very popular like ME!
(Spoken) why, miss Elphaba, look at you. you’re beautiful!
ELPHABA: (Spoken) i, i have to go…
GALINDA: (Spoken) you’re welcome…
(Sung) and though you protest, your disinterest, i know clandestinly, you’re gonna’ grin and bear it! you’re new found popularity! ah!
la la, la la! you’ll be popular! just not quite as popular as ME!
GLINDA (spoken) Elphaba - why couldn’t you have stayed calm for once, instead of flying off the handle! (sung) I hope you’re happy! I hope you’re happy now I hope you’re happy how you Hurt your cause forever I hope you think you’re clever! ELPHABA I hope you’re happy I hope you’re happy, too I hope you’re proud how you Would grovel in submission To feed your own ambition BOTH So though I can’t imagine how I hope you’re happy right now GLINDA (spoken) Elphie, listen to me. Just say you’re sorry: (sung) You can still be with the Wizard What you’ve worked and waited for You can have all you ever wanted: ELPHABA (spoken) I know: (sung) But I don’t want it - No - I can’t want it Anymore: Something has changed within me Something is not the same I’m through with playing by the rules Of someone else’s game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It’s time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap! It’s time to try Defying gravity I think I’ll try Defying gravity And you can’t pull me down! GLINDA Can’t I make you understand? You’re having delusions of grandeur: ELPHABA I’m through accepting limits ”cause someone says they’re so Some things I cannot change But till I try, I’ll never know! Too long I’ve been afraid of Losing love I guess I’ve lost Well, if that’s love It comes at much too high a cost! I’d sooner buy Defying gravity Kiss me goodbye I’m defying gravity And you can’t pull me down: (spoken) Glinda - come with me. Think of what we could do: together. (sung) Unlimited Together we’re unlimited Together we’ll be the greatest team There’s ever been Glinda - Dreams, the way we planned ‘em GLINDA If we work in tandem: BOTH There’s no fight we cannot win Just you and I Defying gravity With you and I Defying gravity ELPHABA They’ll never bring us down! (spoken) Well? Are you coming? GLINDA I hope you’re happy Now that you’re choosing this ELPHABA (spoken) You too (sung) I hope it brings you bliss BOTH I really hope you get it And you don’t live to regret it I hope you’re happy in the end I hope you’re happy, my friend: ELPHABA So if you care to find me Look to the western sky! As someone told me lately: "Ev’ryone deserves the chance to fly!" And if I’m flying solo At least I’m flying free To those who’d ground me Take a message back from me Tell them how I am Defying gravity I’m flying high Defying gravity And soon I’ll match them in renown And nobody in all of Oz No Wizard that there is or was Is ever gonna bring me down! GLINDA I hope you’re happy! CITIZENS OF OZ Look at her, she’s wicked! Get her! ELPHABA :Bring me down! CITIZENS OF OZ No one mourns the wicked So we’ve got to bring her ELPHABA Ahhh! CITIZENS OF OZ Down!
(Elphaba) I’m limited Just look at me - I’m limited And just look at you You can do all I couldn’t do, Glinda So now it’s up to you For both of us - now it’s up to you…
(Glinda) I’ve heard it said That people come into our lives for a reason Bringing something we must learn And we are led To those who help us most to grow If we let them And we help them in return Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true But I know I’m who I am today Because I knew you
Like a comet pulled from orbit As it passes a sun Like a stream that meets a boulder Halfway through the wood Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? But because I knew you I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) It well may be That we will never meet again In this lifetime So let me say before we part So much of me Is made of what I learned from you You’ll be with me Like a handprint on my heart And now whatever way our stories end I know you have re-written mine By being my friend…
Like a ship blown from its mooring By a wind off the sea Like a seed dropped by a skybird In a distant wood Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? But because I knew you
(Glinda) Because I knew you
(Both) I have been changed for good
(Elphaba) And just to clear the air I ask forgiveness For the things I’ve done you blame me for
(Glinda) But then, I guess we know There’s blame to share
(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit As it passes a sun Like a stream that meets a boulder Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring By a wind off the sea Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both) Who can say if I’ve been Changed for the better? I do believe I have been Changed for the better
(Glinda) And because I knew you…
(Elphaba) Because I knew you…
(Both) Because I knew you… I have been changed for good.
You were never a soldier You were never a prize You were never a song in my eyes Yeah you were childhood, twisted and disguised
Oh I am drowning in a world that’s always been dry You’re the sun I’ve never seen rise Yeah it is midnight but my day only just arrived
Sexism can be funny. However, making multiple jokes about molesting children are not. Especially, if you’ve been told that none of your present company find them humorous. Remarks about enjoying sexual assault towards women are not okay, although they do reveal a great deal about a person’s character. What really gets to me though, is that you were such a nice guy. I legitimately enjoyed your company, conversation, and companionship. I cannot allow this type of person to surround me. Even your tarot cards made me nauseous, and if that’s not a warning to keep away—I don’t know what is.
“‘I find that even if you don’t have their permission women like having their hair pulled and being chocked a bit.’ He said that before the show and it just made me feel so bad for you. I don’t know if that did or didn’t happened to you while you were dating, but you’re worth so much more. You really are.”
"I’m fine, I promise."
"Well those remarks are not fine. And even if you’re not fine, you wouldn’t have to tell me. Hell, I’m the one that brought it up. It just made me feel bad for you….for him. Jesus, I know his mom wasn’t around a lot growing up and that gave him a negative outlook on women, but still….it’s not okay. I love you and I just want to see you happy with someone that will treat you the way you deserve."
Two young women. One acting like everything is fine. And another who was shaking and on the verge of tears while telling me that there was more to it than she had let on. How he’d grabbed her wrists in a “playful” wrestling fashion. Yet he wouldn’t let go when she asked.
I’ve been guilty of saying or doing things that aren’t okay. Like last fall when I told my mom in writing that she was lucky that the kids were alive and well. I said this in a way that wasn’t okay. I’ve made sexual advances towards a young man that I thought was interested in me, that wasn’t. I understand that people have a tendency to make mistakes. This isn’t an example of mistakes made. This is an example of someone that needs behavioral corrections.
I dream about a future me. He’s built pretty well and has fantastic hair, he gets slightly down from time to time. The mood swings aren’t as drastic as they used to be, though. He’s wise and humble. Smart and funny. He’s accomplished all that he’s set his mind to. The worst is behind him and he deals with life as it comes. The past doesn’t touch him as bad as it used to.
I wish this were a possibility. I really do. All I’m capable of seeing though is the now, and how bad it really sucks. I’m trying. I really am trying, so why isn’t it getting better? I’m making effort to make my life better and it’s not getting there.
I have this terrible habit. I get into these situations of free trade agreements for living conditions. I’ll watch a kid and clean a house for a place to stay. It builds awesome relationships with kids and I really do feel like I hope instil some growth in both the child and the parent, and occasionally I’ve gotten some growth out of it myself. Sometimes though the friendship starts to collapse in on itself. I stop seeing myself as a friend and view it as a job or a duty. This perspective of mine, in turn changes the perspective of the other occupant(s) as well.
I wish we could just be friends without me being the way that I am.
Cigarettes is a fitting name for a song on my blog. This one comes from Nanaimo, a place I had to look up to know where was. Turns out it’s in British Columbia, Canada, kind of near Vancouver. Anyway, Patchwork is the fairly new musical project of Garrett Lockhart, with Cigarettes being the first single off a nearly finished EP. The sound is nice, it’s paced, never in a hurry to show you that it’s good, just consistent, and smooth throughout. That kind of consistency can be transcendent, the sort of gradual lift an airplane experiences in those first moments of takeoff.
I expect the EP to be as promising as this first track, so keep your eyes and ears out. Free download of Cigarettes at his bandcamp.